I Think Too Much...

Today was the first day in a long time that I had 8 hours of alone time.  The girls were at my parents and Ty had work.  I had organizing my sewing area, and going through the girls clothes on the top of my list.  Doing chores without the distraction of my girls left me alone with my thoughts and I am a chronic over-thinker! 

A picture my dad sent me of Izzy and my sister in their matching jammies.

My thoughts were mostly on the kind of mother I am and the kind of mother my mom is/was.  Before ever even having kids I knew I wanted boys and only boys.  I feared the teenage years and beyond with girls because looking back on the relationship I had with my mother I didn't want that with my kids.  The more and more I thought about it I realized that my relationship doesn't have to be like that.  Early on in the relationship with my mother communication was cut off.  What triggered it I don't know, but I could never go to her with anything.  I remember being 12 and not even wanting to ask her how to shave my legs!  We never had the "birds and the bees" talk and she has uttered the words "I love you" to me less than 4 times (it doesn't mean she doesn't, but it sure made any kind of communication rough and I do still wonder... )  I worried I was going to be emotionally retarded and never be able to say those words to my own kids.  

Communication with my mother is still poor.  I will spare you the details! I had only in the last few years learned to not blame my life on her, but I was still bitter. The bitterness I have felt over this is unhealthy and can be damaging to my relationship with my girls.  My mom isn't a horrible person.  She is my mother for a reason.  And she is an amazing Grandmother to the girls and I know she will be for Peanut too. 

I prayed that my heart, my mind, and my arms will always be open for my children and the communication never shut down.  I am their mother for a reason, and I never want them to question my love/intentions for them.